In recognition and honour of Pierre-the-Yarn-Snob's black dog "project", I'm having a squeaky Black Dog Friday post myself... though one day early, because it just feels right to do this now. The origins of Black Dog Fridays is here on her blog, and I think it's a fantastic idea. When I first "got" depression in my mid twenties and again in my late twenties, it was like a dirty secret that I couldn't talk to anyone about, and admitting that I was on antidepressants... well, don't even go there. I felt so isolated, so wrong and mixed up and screwed up, embarrassed, ashamed, hopeless, worthless. It's not fun, not even slightly, especially when so many people judge you for it. So I'm 100% for raising awareness of this very misunderstood mental illness.
There is a fairly common assumption that because mental illness affects the mind, the person experiencing it must be able to control it, or "fight it" or even "just get over it". These sort of phrases still sting, and still give me a sense of outrage and hurt.
Anyway, today. Or, now, or lately, recently, whatever. I feel as though I've been a little bit "weird" or "off" - if this is the case, it's because I'm struggling with the whole depression thing at the moment. It's been difficult to get myself motivated to knit, to write, to draw/calligraphy, to clean the house, all of that. One of the big warning signs of a depression relapse is not enjoying things that you usually enjoy, and I've been feeling a bit like that lately.
I'm working on it. I'm going to calligraphy tonight, even though I feel like crap and would so much rather stay home and play WoW or watch a dvd. I feel proud of these steps. It sounds like a small thing: who'd give a gold star to someone for something as trivial as getting off their arse and going to a calligraphy class? But today, I award one to myself because this is actually a big thing for me at the moment, and feel a sense of achievement, and moving forward.
...Note to clarify: I'm ok. I'm not suicidal. I'm coping. I feel loved and supported. I'm just finding it a little tough at the moment, so don't all panic and freak out and feel you have to phone me or whatever. Just joining in the Black Dog discussion and sharing, and working on making this a non-taboo subject, bit by bit. :-)
